In these two letters, we look at the confusion around, and intersections of, sexual orientation and gender identity. Here we go:
A reader writes: “I’m dating a trans man now and it’s been amazing. I’m still slightly confused as I have always considered myself as a straight female and have always seen him as male, but at the same time I’ve accepted that for the moment he is still female and am willing to do stuff with him (obviously, haha).
“I know labels are not the best way to go about things, but I’m not sure of how else I can understand what I am feeling? I hope this doesn’t come across as naive or stupid. I’m just a little bit confused.”
It’s not uncommon for those who are dating trans people to become confused about their own sexual orientation. For you, it seems pretty straight-forward – you’re a straight woman dating a trans guy, so you’re a straight woman … because he’s a guy.
I would argue that he is not “still female.” I think what you mean is that he has not had any type of genital surgery. Maybe you even mean that he is not taking hormones. But if he’s living as a man, then he’s not female. And if you see him as male, then he’s not female to you, either.
Just because he has a different body type from what you might be used to doesn’t negate any of that. If you’ve been with several men in your life, you know that their body types vary widely, even though they all might have come closer to the particular prototype or representation that we have of a “standard” male body than your current lover’s body does. No matter. He’s a man, you’re a woman, and the label for that type of relationship in Western culture is “straight.”
Now, you don’t have to call yourself straight if you don’t want to. You can always change labels to suit you. But I would argue that you have not changed sexual orientations. You are attracted to men and you’re dating a man.
So I would say that not a lot has changed for you. I don’t think you should worry about it, really. When you engage in sexual activity, it might be slightly different at first from what you are used to (or it might not be), but just keep the lines of communication open, and you’ll be fine.
A reader writes: “My 19-year-old son came out to us as gay when he was 17. Although he has never had any relationship with anybody, I understand that he is attracted to males and have absolutely no issues with him being gay. Now that he is 19 (still no relationships), he is saying he thinks he is transsexual, which I just don’t see in him.
“He is a math-nerd type, very logical, extremely bright, not at all into image. Hates the typical female stuff like shopping or dressing up or fashion. Very male mind – into fantasy/anime/sci fi.
“I just don’t see it and am afraid he will further isolate himself and become less happy should he move forward. He is going to see a counselor that works with LGBT issues, but I don’t want to label him as trans if he is not truly. Am I mistaken to think that most MTF persons would have more fem traits? Please help.”
You’re not mistaken to think that most MTF persons would have more feminine traits, but you’re not entirely accurate, either. There are plenty of trans women who always exhibited “feminine” traits. But I also know trans women who used to be burly, bearded truck drivers. I know trans women who used to be Navy Seals. I know trans women who hate shopping and dressing up (and I know lots of non-trans women who do, too). I also know trans women who used to be (and still are) math nerds into fantasy/anime/sci fi (and I know lots of non-trans women who are, as well).
So I would not use those things as markers or clues with regard to your child’s identity. The fact that she has not had any dates (that you are aware of) does not mean anything, either. It’s possible that she has not dated or had relationships because she was struggling with her own identity and not sure who she should or might want to date. (I use the female pronoun because, at this point, your child has told you that she is trans. A gender neutral pronoun might also be appropriate. I’m just not sure, based on what I know at this time.)
It’s not unusual for young people (or any person) to confuse gender identity with sexual orientation, even today, when there are so many resources available online. In fact, when a person is grappling with his or her gender identity, that person might believe that he or she is gay or lesbian, because that’s the only thing that seems to remotely make sense, even though it just doesn’t feel quite right.
Your child is going to see a specialist. That is the most important thing. That specialist will help her sort things out. Once she is able to sort that out, she will also be able to determine who she (or he) is attracted to. But don’t let the fact that your child is not “traditionally” female, that your child has come out before as gay, or that your child is not dating influence you. None of these things mean anything with regard to whether or not your child is trans. Let your child and the therapist work this out, and trust your child to know her own mind. Your child is on the right track. Let things take their course.
Readers, thoughts about these two issues?
Filed under: Ask Matt, Bodies, Family, Gender, Identity, Language, Relationships, Sexual Orientation, Transition Tagged: femininity, masculinity, trans men, trans women
